Lessons.

I’m learning that if anything is true of the human heart, it’s that it can’t trusted. I’m learning that it’s seriously hard to change your misconceptions towards God. And I’m learning that God is faithful and patient. I’m learning a lot about lies, and I’m learning from the Truth. It’s been a week of spiritual struggle. 

It’s not that I’m in a spiritually difficult environment; it’s quite the opposite. It’s better for me to be here, right now, than anywhere else in the world. The truth is, I hate being still. It’s hard. It can be painful. Mostly, though, it makes me afraid. What will God make me face if I stay still long enough to listen? 

I’ve learned that spiritual struggle, no matter how ugly, is a perfect opportunity for growth. Every time I hit this wall, I end up realizing how my wholeness in Christ has nothing to do with me. That he’s begun a work in me that will not be left unfinished. 

It always sucks. It always seems like it will last forever. I’ve come to believe, though, that pain and struggle produce beauty. Not the type of beauty that Hollywood seeks, but a beauty that cannot be outdated. God didn’t intend for us to lock up our innermost struggles; we chose to do that. And it only makes us miserable. 

Maybe when we own up to our insecurity and brokenness before God, we’ll realize that this thing was meant to be lived second by second. That it’s okay to come to the most Holy Place just the way we are. That there is a joy in the journey. After all, our rightness with God has nothing to do with us. His love is not contingent upon how much we have figured out by age 20.

Come To Me

I’ve been wrestling with the idea that God wants something from me, and I’ve been wondering what that might be. It’s almost as if God is a mean boss, shouting out impossible orders from His lofty throne. Of course, in my case, He probably demands that I speak publicly to large crowds. Not happening. Or maybe He expects that I fix every problem that is not my own. It’s like running on a treadmill; you sweat and you become sore, but you never actually get anywhere. 

I’m beginning to realize how twisted this idea of God really is. This not from my own mind. I’m pretty sure it’s the Truth. The Bible speaks over and over again about becoming childlike in our faith. Naturally, I love this type of language. 

Last week, I was admiring the beauty of Costa Rica. I was talking to God at one point, and caught myself whispering, “how did you do this?” It made me smile. I remembered the times I’ve colored with my kids at work. They always ask how I learned to color so well, or if they can keep my picture when I get done. The same spark of love those memories bring to my heart is the spark that melts the heart of our Maker when we marvel at the works of His hands.

I’m beginning to see that the at center of God’s desire is community. That God’s pleasure with me isn’t contingent upon my ability to preform, but in who He said I am. He takes pleasure in those moments that I admire His creation, and He takes pleasure in my coming to Him with opened wounds. In doing so, we humble that voice that whispers, “I can do it on my own.” And when that voice is humbled, a task that is impossible without the help of the Holy Spirit, we find ourself in communion with the God of the universe. 

Our insecurity with God keeps us from embracing our brokenness. We begin to isolate ourselves from our community of siblings in Christ. In my experience, this brings about a long and painful season, filled with shame and dejection. The crazy thing about it all is that three words can fix any situation we find ourselves in. Three words that Jesus said in Matthew 11. 

“Come to me” 

So, for me.. this is one of the hardest things on the planet. It’s hard to give up my pride and ask for help. It’s hard for me to apologize when I’m wrong. And it’s hard for me to cry out to God when my heart hurts. BUT when I have done this, I am filled with peace and joy. It’s not always immediate, but there is always hope. 

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
 they will run and not grow weary,
 they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:30-31

Just an update..

The past few days have been pretty busy. Rebecca and I have done a lot of cleaning, because two of the groups left. On night, we served one dinner at 6pm, one at around 9, and the last at around 10. After dinner we always have to do the dishes, which doesn't take much time when there's teamwork. I don't really mind making beds, because we are getting really fast at it.


I love it here. I realize that I've probably said that a few times before, but this place is good for me. I'm growing and learning, and making new friends. This post is short, but we're about to leave. I'm not sure what kind of ministry we'll be doing or if we'll be watching a basketball game, because this is a sports group.


I seriously don't know how these kids are able to go from one thing to another. Their week has been so hectic, and it makes me tired just watching them. Yesterday, they went to the zipline (and hiked the whole way up), and then had to play their ball games. Some of them didn't get back to the villa until like 10, and they left at like 6:45. I guess it's because their trip is so much shorter (Mon-Fri), but it's incredible to see how much they can accomplish in a day!


I can't wait to get a couple of minutes tonight to listen to my church's podcast. Alright, well, I'm gonna get ready to head out. Yall have a good day. Love you all!


Hannah

Just another day..

I'm relaxing in my new bunk, listening to one of the missionaries. She is singing along with what sounds like Frank Sinatra. The sound of her voice in the kitchen makes me feel more at home. Rebecca and I have been at the villa all day, making beds and cleaning for the next group. Making 19 beds doesn't seem like much, but I'm exhausted. We will be going to Coronado tonight, but for now we are resting.


I haven't mentioned the food in any of my posts. The food is from heaven. I'm not even kidding. We've had empanadas, rice and beans, chicken and rice, and other delious foods. By the time a meal comes around, I am STARVING. Dama is the best cook in the whole world, tied with my mom's mom. Ma and Damma are the best cooks in the whole world. :)


Our new room is really small. Rebecca and I are still roomies (yay!), and the other interns are in the room connected to ours. We have one bathroom, but it doesn't seem to be a problem right now. All of the interns are really cool, and I'm excited to get to know them better.


I realize that I don't have much to say, but today has been pretty slow. We fed the homeless last night, on a really poor corner of San Jose. Apparently, this is a dangerous part of the city, but we didn't have any problems. 100 sandwiches were taken in 3 minutes, so we loaded on the bus and left. It was sad that we could not feed everyone, many people were running to us for food. We had to leave without feeding them.


I will miss my church family tomorrow. I'm going to listen to the podcast as soon as it is posted. Church here is pretty awesome, but there's no place like Renovatus. Just sayin.. :)

:) I'm here!

I sat with three kindergarten girls today, trying to figure out how to entertain them without being able to communicate. One of them introduced herself, and led me to the side of the classroom where girls become princesses. There were make-up kits, purses, plastic cell phones, baby dolls, and every other toy a five year old girl needs. She gathered up everything she was going to use, and led me to a tiny table in the corner of the room.


Next thing I knew, she was using plastic knife to apply eyeshadow. The make-up kit seemed pretty used, because she had to scrape the sides to get any at all. She used purple eyeshadow as blush, and her finger as lipstick. The entire time she was giving me a makeover, she was wearing sunglasses and a precious grin. It was simple, and it was perfect.


Yesterday, I went to an orphanage. I played volleyball with some older kids. Sometimes, I find it frustrating that I cannot communicate well with the people here. I feel like it would be a lot easier to simply tell them exactly how I feel about them, how God feels. I wonder if the message comes across the way I hope it does. If I could say one thing to any of the kids I've seen, I would explain that no matter who the world says they are, God says they're special.


My roommate (another intern) came yesterday! Her name is Rebecca, and we get along really well. She's a lot of fun. More interns will be coming, and pretty soon we'll probably have 4 intern girls and 2 boys. I'm excited about that.


Anyways, I'm going to talk to Rebecca and read some before bed. I love all of you! Oh! And here is the link to Rebecca's blog: http://tervoscostanricanadventure.blogspot.com/ You should read it. And comment. Or something. :) Goodnight!
- Hannah

Wrong Flight.

"I'm afraid you've booked for the wrong city."


Not exactly the words I wanted to hear. And it was impossible, right? I booked these tickets months ago. There must be an error in the system. Or something. Yes, there had to be an error in the system, and everything would turn out just fine.


"No."


I didn't know what else could be said. No. It was the only word that would come out of my mouth. I mean, sure, I wondered why I would fly to Ft. Worth in order to get to Costa Rica. And I even wondered why I would fly to Chicago to get to Charlotte on the way home. It makes more sense, now that I know that San Jose, California exists.


Yes, I made a $675 mistake. I booked a ticket for San Jose, California, instead of San Jose, Costa Rica. I guess it makes for a funny story, but it also means extra work at Bojangles. I guess I shouldn't complain though, since I'm only going to be arriving in Costa Rica about an hour later than planned.


Well, I'm going to find something to eat. I love you all.
- Hannah

Follow me.

I'm going on an adventure this summer, and I'm not sure what I'll find. I leave next Tuesday, May 31st, at around 7:30am. As you all know, I'll be an intern with SCORE International in Costa Rica for two months. My hope is to keep a blog of my adventures, the lessons I learn, and my struggles along the way.

And this is where you come in. I need prayer. I am excited, and nervous, and afraid. It would mean a lot to me if you would simply whisper a prayer in my direction when you remember over the next two months. I think.. when God created me.. He might have whispered, "quiet service." Not in an attempt to silence my voice, but in a way that described the place I find greatest joy. In those moments of behind the scenes work, washing dishes, and loving on others, I find myself. I find God. Last year, in Costa Rica, I discovered that those moments are what I was made for. That in serving others, behind the scenes, I was serving God.

I'm not perfect. Actually, apart from who Christ says I am, I am nothing. No good thing I've ever done could make me worthy of the love that He's given so freely. And maybe that is exactly the reason this trip makes sense to me. Maybe this really is what I was created to do. I love that thought.